Thursday, November 17, 2016

How much easier adoption is than giving birth

Some people have either told me, or beaten around the bush, that becoming a mother by adoption, especially when adopting a newborn, is the "easy" way.  I imagine it's similar to the backlash that women get when they have a c-section.

People also say things like, adoption is not that same as having one of your own.  What does that even mean?  My son is my own.  I love this quote "Neither giving birth to a child not adopting a child is superior; both are special, and both are great ways to have a child of your very own." (link here)

Let me tell you how much "easier" it really is.  (I hope you can read my tone of voice in that...If not, read on and I think you'll get it.:)

Instead of getting pregnant and knowing you will have the baby sometime in the next 9 or so months.
You get "paper pregnant" and wait anywhere from a few weeks to a few years.

Instead of having the emotional ups and downs of hormones during the pregnancy.
You have emotional highs and lows throughout the whole process.  (Think roller coaster, that you have absolutely NO control over.)

Instead of hospital bills.
You have agency fees, placement fees, etc...

Instead of having people touch your belly and going to countless OBGYN appointments.
You have social workers come into your home and inspecting every aspect of your lives.  You also have countless:  background checks, fingerprints, etc...

Instead of people telling you that you look "round" and asking when you are due for the 100th time.
You have every person you ever knew asking you when you might get matched or why this or that take so long...

Instead of people saying things like 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. (As if you didn't already know because you've already lost one baby.)
You have people saying things like it takes a long time to adopt a newborn, and sometimes people don't even get matched or they get matched and the birthmother changes her mind.  (As if you didn't realize those are all possibilities and that the last one would actually be the best option for that baby, but still hard to swallow if it was a baby you'd grown attached to...)

Instead of people saying "you're finally pregnant" or "you're having another?".  As if it matters to them how many years you've been trying, or how many children you lost, or how many children you'd like...
You have people saying "oh, you went to plan b?".  As if adoption is only ever plan B, what if it really was our Plan A?  What if we are so happy to be the parents to the child God gave us, no matter how he got here? I could go on here, but you get the point....

Instead of going through labor pains or a c-section with weeks of recovery.
You wait, and you wait, and if the birthmother chooses you and signs the papers to place her child, you then sign lots of paperwork and have this extreme joy and extreme sadness at the same time.  Your gain is someone's loss.

Instead of packing a hospital bag.
You pack everything you might possibly need when you go to meet your little one, who likely lives in another state (or country) that you will be driving or flying to.  You have your bags packed for weeks or months.

Instead of eagerly waiting for a positive pregnancy test.
You hold your breath in excitement of any new number that pops up on your caller ID because it could be the "call" announcing that a birth mother has chosen you (domestic adoption) or that a child has been referred (international adoption).

Instead of carrying your baby in your womb.
Your baby grows in your heart, and you and your family/friends pray for them long before they are even a twinkle in anyone's eye.

Instead of stretch marks on your belly.
You get stretched in every direction you never thought possible at the same time, and most of all your heart stretches and grows to welcome this tiny human into your life who you didn't know for their first nine months, but will know for a lifetime after.

As far as I see it, both (all) scenarios are difficult at times, wonderful at times, emotionally draining at times and always worth it.  Becoming a mother changes you.  It sure changed me.  Becoming a mother is a learning process.  And having a newborn is (kind of) easy and hard at the same time.  They don't move yet, but they are up most of the night and rely on you for everything.

Whether you had a c-section, birthed your baby or another woman did and made the selfless decision to have another woman raise her child.  You're doing awesome and let's focus on encouraging and loving each other instead of comparing who had it easier, etc....


Becoming a mother isn't something that happens overnight.  It takes preparation, either while the baby is inside of you for ~9 months or during the adoption process.  Neither way is easy.  But then again, neither is anything worth doing.  Let's rally around each other.  Let's love each other.  Let's help another mama out instead of putting her down for decision she's made in the past or present.  We are raising the next generation.  We can either instill love or hate.  Which would you rather?  I would much rather it be love.

If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.


 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  1 Corinthians 13:3-7



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