Thursday, April 28, 2016

What if?

Sometimes when I am laying in bed trying to fall asleep at night, I just can't get my brain to shut off.  A few nights ago was one of those nights, and the rumbling thunder wasn't helping.  I usually keep my thoughts to myself, but I had a feeling J wasn't asleep yet either.  We ended up having a nice chat in the dark room with flashes of lightning. 

For the last few months, and years really, I've questioned a lot of things.  What if I never get pregnant and have a baby? What if I miscarry? What if we can't have biological children like part of "our plan" for a family?  Will my husband still love me, even if our whole "plan" doesn't work out and it might be my fault?  What will people think?  What will people say?  then my mind inevitably goes to the worst case scenario things too... What if we get hit by a drunk driver on the way home and never make it?  What if .....?  What if .....?  

In the midst of all of these "What ifs" we face everyday, there has been one constant, one source of renewal of unchanging love, mercy and grace.  God, who was and is, and is to come.  He's the Alpha and the Omega.  Beginning and End.  We can rest in that.  Once we give up our plans and rest in the hope of Christ we can start experience God's best for our life.  His plan for our life.  He's the one in control. (Thankfully!)  

I'm not talking about best as in the world's the biggest house, best paying job, exotic vacations, early retirement etc, etc.. (Not that those are all bad things either.)  I'm talking about the Creator of the Universe who is intimately familiar with, and interested in you.  

Not the trying your best to be perfect you.  

Not the "I'm fine" when you're really not, you.  

I mean you.  

Just as you are.  

Please know that you were created unique, individual and just the way God wanted you.  You aren't a duplicate.  You aren't a copy.  You weren't an accident or mistake.  You are the only you there will ever be. 

So, I choose to trust Him.  I choose to follow Him.  I choose to put down my plan and fully rely on Him.  That is when I find hope and true Joy.  Then I can see some of the answers to my "What ifs" too.  What if I had gotten pregnant and been due around this time last year?  Then I may not have the sweet boy who calls me mama upstairs napping right now.  And the list goes on of those types of things...

I'm not trying to downplay anything that you may be facing.  Perhaps, you are like me and staring in the face of some diagnosis wondering which steps to take forward.  This doesn't stop the grief, but it is always a great comfort to be reminded that God sees me.  He sees you.  And he's working through these circumstances.  With a little faith we can begin to have hope and perspective.  This is all temporary and we live in a fallen world.  I was going to put Romans 8:28 here, but as I was reading it again this morning I wanted to put it a bit more in context.

"18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that[h] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.
22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified."
Romans 8:18-28

Once you realize that, things start to make sense.  Whether you can get pregnant or not.  Whether you are a man or woman.  Whether you are the best musician, or engineer, or assistant around.  Whether you have children or not.  Whether you get married or not.  Whether you do this or that.  You are exactly who God wanted you to be.  Granted there are some things you can change, and there are some things you can't.  We can trust that God has a plan for exactly where we are, where we're going and where we've been.  He's using those challenges and journeys to shape you into who you are.  If you are still breathing (which would be everyone reading this!) He's not finished with you yet.  We are all a work in progress and there is beauty in the ashes.

It is through Him that I can see pregnant women and be full of joy with them for the life they are growing inside of them.  It is through Him that I can have hope, that my boy won't be an only child forever.  And even if/when I don't get pregnant, and I have hope that another adoption will happen and it will be just as God planned it. 

What if you were meant to experience this suffering/hardship/etc to meet just one person who you could build a relationship and share Christ with?  What if?

This is another blog post that just speaks words of encouragement and truth about infertility.  Please read it if you get a chance: